11.05.2005
Serving who?
The reason that I left Tanzania and came to Atlanta was that I thought that, even if the most important thing to do with my life was to dedicate myself to service, the degree program I was entering would help me to be more effective, and that it would help me to find a position with more influence and power, which would be a better way to serve the poor.
But now I'm not so sure. I fundamentally disagree with the underlying philosophies of most of the institutions involved in distributing development money on the ground. I, unlike a lot of people here, don't think that striving to advance my own career is inherently an act of service. If I will have to abandon my principles to fit into the philosophy of some institution, is it worth the eventual prestige or the security of an income?
And I'm pretty ambivalent about what I'm learning, too. It all seems useful, but particularly so if I wanted to enter the same development game that seems like a waste and a racket to me. I guess it's good to learn about how these structures operate because I will have to deal with them forever, but I could have done that through work experience (maybe) and gotten paid, instead of forking out good money for the same. Being a student is just so easy, and so removed from where I think I belong. Here, my greatest stresses have to do with my own GPA. Here, I get to spend money on myself trying new restaurants, buying things, seeing the city, just generally doing things that are fun.
My situation is more ambiguous than I want it to be. Even if I volunteer, even if I live by my 5 life rules, even if I get back to Africa as soon as I can, is that enough?
But now I'm not so sure. I fundamentally disagree with the underlying philosophies of most of the institutions involved in distributing development money on the ground. I, unlike a lot of people here, don't think that striving to advance my own career is inherently an act of service. If I will have to abandon my principles to fit into the philosophy of some institution, is it worth the eventual prestige or the security of an income?
And I'm pretty ambivalent about what I'm learning, too. It all seems useful, but particularly so if I wanted to enter the same development game that seems like a waste and a racket to me. I guess it's good to learn about how these structures operate because I will have to deal with them forever, but I could have done that through work experience (maybe) and gotten paid, instead of forking out good money for the same. Being a student is just so easy, and so removed from where I think I belong. Here, my greatest stresses have to do with my own GPA. Here, I get to spend money on myself trying new restaurants, buying things, seeing the city, just generally doing things that are fun.
My situation is more ambiguous than I want it to be. Even if I volunteer, even if I live by my 5 life rules, even if I get back to Africa as soon as I can, is that enough?
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Much of what you are experiencing sounds like quite normal graduate student angst. (When will I begin my real life?)
You ask good questions. Maybe the answer eventually might turn out to be that you should be in a different graduate program. How can you best equip yourself for the life of service you envision? You chose this program intentionally so I encourage you to give it a chance. At the least, it will be something to build on, even if you change your focus.
But I also urge you to consider the example of Paul Farmer. In his passion for direct service, he could have limited his efforts to one village in Haiti. Instead he chose to deal with bureaucracies and institutions to make more profound changes in the system, while all the time also staying rooted in his medical practice healing individuals. Somehow he struck a balance, and I am sure you will too. You may see it as selfish to advance your own career, but consider how much more good you will be able to do from a position of power, not just as an servant. Maybe the most self-sacrificing thing you can do is to advance your own career, to gain control over resources.
I'm reading Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain right now. I'm not sure I recommend it, but it certainly makes me think about the cloistered life, and in some ways it seems that you are responding to some kind of monastic call.
You ask good questions. Maybe the answer eventually might turn out to be that you should be in a different graduate program. How can you best equip yourself for the life of service you envision? You chose this program intentionally so I encourage you to give it a chance. At the least, it will be something to build on, even if you change your focus.
But I also urge you to consider the example of Paul Farmer. In his passion for direct service, he could have limited his efforts to one village in Haiti. Instead he chose to deal with bureaucracies and institutions to make more profound changes in the system, while all the time also staying rooted in his medical practice healing individuals. Somehow he struck a balance, and I am sure you will too. You may see it as selfish to advance your own career, but consider how much more good you will be able to do from a position of power, not just as an servant. Maybe the most self-sacrificing thing you can do is to advance your own career, to gain control over resources.
I'm reading Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain right now. I'm not sure I recommend it, but it certainly makes me think about the cloistered life, and in some ways it seems that you are responding to some kind of monastic call.
my brother and some other friends of mine that are in their first semester of graduate school are all feeling different versions of i think pretty much the same thing. have you talked to other students about it? im applying to schools and feel like this might be as universal as college frosh feeling like their real home is wherever they went to high school.
chuk
chuk
# posted by 
: 12/26/2005 4:29 PM
: 12/26/2005 4:29 PM
It probably is pretty universal, since getting educated always comes with the "what for?" question mark attached. But I haven't been able so much to talk to other people about it because, and this might be somewhat particular to public health school, there is a lot of self-congratulation in and outside of the classroom. Literally, professors and guest lecturers telling us we are good people for being interested in "public health careers". I suppose I'm fairly ambivalent about that whole idea (finding a job with lots of traveling and lots of moral high ground, that pays) and I certainly don't feel ready to accept any accolades. That's why it comes out on the blog and not in conversation.
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